Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Doctor says...

Doctor: Wow, you have really good lung function. 118% of the predicted value for someone your age, height, and gender. Of course, you're an athlete. OK now go ride your bike for a half hour let's see what changes.
Me: Sure thing, Doc.
(30min later)
Doctor: Hmmm well it looks like your exhalation has dropped 3% or so over baseline, that's short of Asthmatic by the usual standards but often in athletes it takes longer to really show - but wow your inhalation figures here are way off. Let's do a little laryngoscopy to check that out.
Me: Ummm... OK whatever you say.

(5min later)

Me: (Coughing, Sneezing, Eyes Watering) Holy Jay-sus what the F*ck was that about!
Doctor: I just shoved an 8 inch tube with a light and a camera up your nose and down your throat to take a look at your larynx and see what is up. You have more mucus than I have ever seen. I can't even make out your vocal cords. That's probably what's been bothering you.
Me: What can I do about it that doesn't involve a tube up the nose?
Doctor: Here, try a Neti pot and some Flonase. Meanwhile go get a needle shoved up your arm to do a blood test for allergies, in case that's what's causing all this mucus. Like I said, that's a crazy amount of mucus, man. It's amazing you can breathe.
Me: Awesome. Great. Where's the door?
Doctor: Straight ahead. Oh, and here's your bill...
Me: (blinking) Holy Jay-sus!!!!!

And that didn't even have a happy ending ... now I feel like someone Rufied my nasal spray. What happened and why is there a tiger in my bathroom?

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