Monday, June 18, 2007



So let's say you just got busted for a DUI and thanks to lawyer's fees and the rising price of PBR you're a little strapped for cash and need a new ride. So you buy a $79 full suspension Magna from your favorite retailer - WalMart. It was put together by some pimple-ridden Goon who raved about the advantages of 21 gears over 18... and how this bike don't need no air in the tires so you won't get flats. It's heaven on wheels.

Even this piece of shit Magna comes with an owner's manual. In English. But you toss that (real Men don't read the instructions). There's some silly warning tag hanging off those quick release thingies on the wheels. It's got some instructions on it, too. Toss that, it's an eyesore. Don't read it, again, 'cause you're a real man. And when you lock your bike up in front of the courthouse on Tuesday morning, you make sure to take the wheel off and lock it up next to the frame like the cool kids. When your parole sentence comes down and you get to wobble off home going against traffic in the bike lane, you slap that front wheel in and spin the lever thing good 'n snug. Not too snug, 'cause the wheel's got to come off again at 7-eleven in a mile or so.

And when that wheel falls off as your retarded ass eventually drops the bike off a curb and miraculously whack the wheel out of the lawyer tabs, and you crash, hurting no-one but yourself, because you were too dumb to read two or three different warning labels, signs, manuals, or spend two seconds computing the function of an elemental, two piece cam mechanism, well, that's just natural selection at work. That's why there's a big hard top tube between your legs - do it enough times and you won't be allowed to breed.

Unless, of course, you live in New Jersey. They believe in keeping people like you in the gene pool.

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