Tuesday, May 8, 2007

All Hail the Tools.

Oh man. Grab a cold one, strap on your utility belt, lower your jeans below your asscrack, and start hammering some nails, 'cause it's officially Tool Time.

I'll start with the classy Italian tools (small, expensive, pretty, semi-functional)

Only attempted doping. "only"? So running away with the Giro by riding the best climbers in the world off your wheel, day after day, winning with the biggest gap in modern history, and turning from a straight climber into an all-rounder and a TT-machine, that's just explained by a few more hours on the bike? Right. First he breaks down, quits Discovery, can't handle his conscience (and probably his Mother), confesses, and now he back pedals by saying he hadn't actually doped, yet. Tool.

It's like how Millar used to talk big, now now where is he? Not winning the tour, for damned sure. Not even close to being in contention.

I will say, I'm just glad he copped to it, now they can throw the book at him. I love watching the pressure turn on and the dopers squirm like kids in the dentist's chair. Let them keep racing until they confess or test positive, (you know, let the governing bodies show some integrity in their Tool hunt), but then when they crack, kick them out and strip them of all wins and money for the last three years. That ought to be just.

Yes, there is justice in this world after all. Like Toolyer Hamilton's return to the bike in obscurity, and then getting left off the Giro start list. Sucks to be clean, huh Tyler?

Ah yes. Let us rejoice in the celebration of Tools.

Yes, the real world does actually apply for Tools, too. I bless Toolishness every day.

Another favorite: Paris Hilton is going to jail. She got a DUI, suspended lisence, was told by the judge to enroll in an alcohol education program but never did, was caught driving with her suspended lisence and made to sign an affadavit that she had, in fact, just been told by some very nice cops that she wasn't allowed to drive, then she did it again, in true Tool style, by speeding with her headlights off. That's strikes, 1, 2, and 3. Strike 4 is going to double her jail time if she doesn't show up like she's supposed to.

I hope they throw her in the kind of prison that would generate the sequel to her lovely first film - maybe this one could be called "45 nights in the slammer". I smell an ANV award.

What a great stinkin' week. All hail the Tools.

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